


An Earth Survivalism 'Pod-Fic'

by NoxumBoots



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alien Biology, Dumbass Irken™, Enemies to Friends, Frenemies Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), GIR is the best nanny, Gen, Illnesses, M/M, Pre-Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus, Queerplatonic Relationships, They're still angry and feral but they're working on it, ZADF, ZaDr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27321778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoxumBoots/pseuds/NoxumBoots
Summary: Earth was 74% polluted. That’s what the weather guy said at least. Dib estimated it was more like 67%, not counting refiltering processes. The Irken race, however, is not used to the diseases and filth of Earth; Zim has to take extra measures to keep his PAK working. And for some reason, Dib finds himself helping.
Relationships: Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Dib/Zim (Invader Zim), GIR & Zim (Invader Zim)
Kudos: 23





	An Earth Survivalism 'Pod-Fic'

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of intense new interest in a para-sciencer and his feral alien. Tallest save me from their nonsense.  
> Also, I know the title is misleading, but this is NOT a podfic reading; just a 1 AM fic.

Earth was 74% polluted. That’s what the weather guy said at least. Dib estimated it was more like 67%, not counting refiltering processes. Honestly, they were making it sound like the end of the world! Landfill waste and infected water that the city  _ already had solutions to _ would not kill them. Zim would. Damn alien Invader would destroy the earth and all its inhabitants long before smog did! Were they blind?!

Okay, so Dib was having a bad morning. He’d stayed up too late watching Zim’s base monitor cams last night and had slept in past the news show he’d actually wanted to watch. Y’know, the one that was reputable and told him what was going on rather than spitting out terrifying statistics out of context. They were out of milk, too, cus Gaz had claimed the last thimbleful and he wasn’t stupid enough to argue. So he was eating dry Choochoo puffs while watching the horrible  _ News Runner ‘5 _ on a Saturday morning.

“This is dumb,” he said to no one in particular. “I mean, seriously, who pays this station to keep going? It’s stupid! The photo isn’t even relevant to the ‘story’.”

“If you’re just gonna complain about it, turn it off.” Gaz was curled on the sofa, in fuzzy purple sweats. Her Game Slave was beeping away over the mindless drone off the television. “I’m trying to focus and I don’t need your rambling.”

She was in a good mood today. Huh. Dib shut off the TV and headed to the kitchen to let Foodio deal with the dishes. Honestly, he was hoping for a disaster to pop up on the news. A Zim-sized disaster. Truth was, he was concerned- no, not concerned,  _ paranoid _ . The Irken hadn’t been in school the other day. That usually meant that he was planning something diabolical for the next day, and needed time to finish it. Zim didn’t skip school except for Earth’s destruction. It was terrible, but very predictable. So, Dim had stayed up on his computer all night, searching for some sort of clue to what Zim was planning.

Nothing. Not a peep, all night. No machinery, no strange sounds from creature experiments. Even Zim’s minion was disturbingly quiet; the robot had just run laps up and down the elevator, sometimes bringing food items or strange-looking toys with him. It was like the calm before the haunting. Or before an explosion.

The bowl went into the sink with a  _ clink. _ No information on Zim, like 15 minutes of sleep, and no apocalypse reports on the news. It was putting him on edge. He knew Zim was planning  _ something _ , he just didn’t know what.

After two minutes of consideration, he decided to nip it in the bud. Dib Membrane was a man of action, after all.

“GAZ!” He yelled. “I’m going out to find Zim! Hopefully, I won’t be long but don’t be surprised if you see me on the news or something!”

“ _ Will you shut up?!” _

“...okay, okay.”

He was already dressed. He just needed his shoes. And his briefcase. Cuffs, just in case. Oh, and a squirt gun, full of clear, cool, anti-alien H2O. If things got...dirty, he wanted to be prepared. 

A quick clean of the glasses, hair slick, and self-motivational finger gun in the mirror, he was ready. Gaz barely looked his way as he walked through the living room and out the front door. Dad’s monitor wasn’t out right now, so he wasn’t stopped by it.

The fact that he could leave him and possibly not come back without someone noticing made his stomach twist, but it was how it was. He was alone in this.

  
  


Zim’s house was a good distance away. It gave Dib some time to think. The project was either small enough that the cameras hadn’t picked it up, or it was in a room Dib didn’t have access to. There were only a few of those rooms: the living room, a strange observatory/projection room which had fried the camera within moments, and a couple of others. Zim’s underground base was huge, but there were only so many places an evil plan could hide.

“What is it? Nano bugs? No, that would’ve backfired already. Something involving interplanetary orbit paths? Maybe. He has proven he can do stuff that big already. Small, small, and hidden, that doesn’t require much equipment and doesn’t make much noise. ...Now that I think about it, I didn’t hear Zim laughing at all last night. If he did anything he would’ve been talking about it, and rather loudly. Maybe the project was something soundpro-”

He tripped over something, going nose-first on the pavement. “Ow.” Thankfully it wasn’t gushing blood, but his palms were raw from sliding on the sidewalk. He’d tripped over some chalk. Pink. There was more ahead, originating from around Zim’s house.

“Zim’s diabolical plan involves… chalk?” He asked himself, sounding incredulous. He righted himself, splotches of pink and green on his pant knees. He peeked around the fence to see…

Ah, Zim’s little robot. Gib? No, some other name. That made more sense than it being Zim’s work. The gnomes were all inactive, and the walk up to Zim’s unnatural front door was scrawled with chalk drawings. The little robot himself was covered with the stuff too, tongue lolling out as he happily scribbled.

“Hey evil robot thingy of doom,” said Dib, sticking out an ankle to make sure the gnomes were well and truly off. They were. He walked up to the malicious baby doom robot. “...whatcha doing?”

“I’m coloring a map!” It shrieked, eyes filled with joy as he looked up at Dib. It then lifted the chalk and took a huge bite out of it.

Dib cringed, but let it go. He’d seen worse. One time the robot had downed a whole bucket of chip nubs from Krazy Tako and washed it down with soap and waffled syrup. “That’s… that’s pretty cool. Hey, uh, where’s Zim?”

The robot looked up. “Master’s dead.”

His heart stopped. He hadn’t heard that right. His mouth opened. “What?”

“That’s what he said he was doin’ anyways. Dying!” Robot continued, smiling and wiggling its little feet. Oh thank tsuchinokos, Zim was alive and being overdramatic. “He worked in the lab aaaaaall daaaaaay and then he stayed in bed like a billy bean! I broughted waffle and then a raccoon showed up! It was all ‘hmmmmmnnnnn’ and-”

“Yes, yes, that’s great. Uh, do you mind if I go in?”

“YEEEEaaaahooooiieee, go right on in Mary Bee!” The robot toddled over to the door and extended it arm, opening the door wide open. It then ran inside and flopped on the couch, turning on the TV.

As Dib walked in, his heart soared. This was perfect. If Zim really was laid up for some reason or another, Dib would have free access to everything in the base! Who would stop him, the robot? It was already distracted by a very angry looking monkey and some Tack-ies. Nothing was in his way now!

“This is the best day of my life!” Dib exclaimed, side-stepping an empty soda can and heading into the kitchen. He used his foot to open the trash can, aka the primary entrance to Zim’s base. “I get to see Zim’s lab  _ unrestricted!  _ Yes!”

_ “AHEM.” _

Dib froze like a kid with its hand in a jar. Oh dingus, he’d forgotten about Computer. “Eheh...um, I-I mean-”

_ “NORMALLY I WOULDN’T WANT  _ YOU _ IN HERE, BUT IN THE CIRCUMSTANCE THAT MY MASTER IS BEING INCREDIBLY DUMB, I WOULD MAKE AN EXCEPTION THAT IS EQUALLY DUMB. AND, IN THIS THEORETICAL DUMB SITUATION WHERE I  _ DON’T _ RUN YOU OUT, HE MIGHT BE LOCATED IN LAB 2.” _

“Zim has two labs?” Dib asked, mouth getting ahead of him.

_ “YES. NOW GO HIT HIM UP THE HEAD WITH, I DON’T KNOW, YOUR OWN BIG HEAD.” _

Dib frowned and replied, “My head’s not that big,” but he stepped into the ‘trash can’ nonetheless. He’d seen Zim do this a few times and had done it once himself. After a minute, the bottom opened up and the elevator took him down. 

This ‘evil plan’ had better be good.

“ZIM!” Water gun loaded, he burst into what the Computer directed him to as ‘Lab 2’. He was greeted with screens, strange glass containment chambers melded to the floor, and technology he couldn’t even begin to explain. It was fascinating, but he didn’t see Zim, nor was there any deranged screaming about ‘filthy humans’. “...uh. You said Zim was in here. Where-?”

The monitors lit up, green arrows on a black background pointing towards what kinda looked like a pod. It was shiny and round, like a silver-plated bean embedded in the wall. It could probably fit a human adult, maybe two if they curled up a bit.

“...in there?” he whispered, creeping forward. He kept the water gun close to his chest, looking at the bean pod with fearful curiosity. He stopped about four feet from it, unwilling to get any closer. It was so shiny he could see his expression. Zim was a germaphobe from what Dib could tell, so it made sense that it was religiously clean. Maybe Dib should sneeze on it, just for kicks. “Wait a minute. You said he was being… stupid? More stupid than usual?”

“YES.” Computer didn’t even bother to defend Zim. 

“What was he doing? Was it diabolical or did it blow up in his-” A soft sound interrupted him. “Wuh?”

The pod was humming. Whirring, like an older computer model doing its best not to overheat. Dib blinked. It sounded… almost comforting, in the way a cat’s purr was. He stood still, transfixed by the sound, before the shell burst open like a flower. 

He saw the frontmost piece coming straight for his face, and he barely had time to think,  _ Oh shit, _ before he went crashing to the floor.


End file.
